How can change processes succeed ? 3 steps to raise out of the ashes and create a new reality
Updated: Jul 4, 2021
Momentarily we are experiencing a crisis showing us the many imbalances and injustices of our time. Please forgive me if I'm not going into that in detail. I guess we all experience them and see and feel them daily.
In this article, I would rather like to offer a different lens on the situation of working or future working moms. Or moms in general. Some solutions.-
We are at a crossroads. And we, meaning us mothers, must do everything to bring perspective into this dark muddy path.
So here are my nuggets of solutions for those of you seeking solutions. On how to turn them into flow towards a bright future.
"Only in darkness can you see the stars" - Martin Luther King
So let's begin.
Currently, my observation is that there is a lot of blaming. And I don't judge that as a bad or good thing. I just observe.
We demand from politicians the system, anything outside to give us better workplace incentives, better security, better support in homeschooling. Some of us blame the patriarchy, "white men" even.
What we do is:
We are asking for change. We are asking for a star, a bright new reality.
And righteously so.
But the problem with seeing and going to reach for the stars here is.
For a change process to be successful,
we must be mindful of what change actually needs from US to be successful.
So it's not just ANOTHER reality. But in OUR OWN interest.
Cause truly if we demand "mom" and "dad" politician and system to do everything FOR us, they might do that. But maybe build some star in their very own interest....
So, here are 3 steps I want to offer. As food of thought. And questions for you to take action on all of them. Your food for action.
Helping you create the star you truly want.
1. A vision
Most change processes fail because they lack direction.
If you don't know what the new reality should look like. You'll get lost, overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and burned out.
Saying though: "Not like this current situation" simply is not enough to move forward.
It must be specific, how it looks like, feels like.
The more specific you can be. "Like working from home whenever I want to. Not focusing on time anymore but on the outcome getting my project over the finish line." That's specific. Instead, saying: "No more 9-5" is just stating what you don't want and creates a vacuum. No star at all.
So here is food for action.
- What would be your ideal picture of the way you would want to integrate your work into your life?
- How does the new star look and feel like?
- What's happening here?
- How do you interact, collaborate, spend your time?
You see, I often hear moms use the word
"It's like war…complete stress 24/7."
And very understandably so, when they go into details.
- But what if now it's the time to change that?
- What if you'd go all in and ask yourself: how does this star look like?
- How do I want to live life altogether?
I know. I can hear you say:
"But Hedi, I have to keep this job." And if "I don't do this, my boss will kick me out."
Ok. And I see you struggle. I really do.
But now is your chance.
Have you considered all your options?
Have you asked around for help?
Just as an example. I often hear moms say that they planned on co-parenting, meaning splitting the kids' responsibilities with their partner. And then the baby comes, and partner says:
"No, I can't go out of my job any longer than 2 weeks."
"I'll lose my reputation."
"I'll be left behind, and so on." ...
But here is the thing. Did your partner even ask? Or is the fear so great and overwhelming that "no, it's not possible is the only reaction".
Whenever there is a change process and YOU want to profit from it, be true to yourself and ask yourself honestly: is this really what I want and how I want to lead my life?
Another helpful question might also be:
- When my kid is 18, what do I want him or her to say about growing up?
Or another one:
- How do I truly feel about raising kids together with my partner?
Write everything down, sort out your thoughts and ideas. If fear comes up, write it down too. Breath. (Sounds lame, but it calms down your nervous system, your fear)
By writing down, you start to distance yourself from the thought and fear. It's no longer in you, doing all sorts of fun control games. It's outside, and you gain control.
We are often so narrowly focused that we do not even consider another route or solution. A single mom brought me up, and she did not have any financial support. She got help from outside, and it worked.
Which brings me to the next step:
Change processes are successful, meaning things, people start to change when there is a high level of urgency.
Now you might feel a rising urgency already: fatigued, filled with sadness, a great feeling of misunderstanding.
Now ask yourself: What will happen if you keep doing this? Where will you be in a week, a month even?
And secondly: What's action can you take? What actions can be birthed from this urgency?
Sometimes it's communication and a cry for help. To your boss or partner.
Sometimes it's an action that gets birthed from raising your standards.
"Enough is enough"
"I deserve better."
And righteously so.
Think about Rosa Parks who raised her standards birthed from urgency in a millisecond. She decided NOT TO get up for a white citizen on the bus ride anymore. Enough!
And by her brave action she caused a massive change—a civil right movement which lead to new laws and new rights. Bamm.
So an urgency with an action. She said "enough" and showed "enough".
Always remember: "You get what you tolerate."
So here is some food for action:
- What can you do to show, communicate or even create that urgency?
- What can you do together with others to start a movement?